This is from the “No Furry, Four-Footer’s Gonna Get the Best of Me” Department:

In the past three or four years, there has been an uptick in the chipmunk population in the yard. Two or three is not a ‘population’, but, but seven or eight holes in the lawn and a brisk dart and scurry trade above ground indicated a lax, unregulated rodent control regimen by the resident human.

Resoucefully, I consulted Wikipedi, diabolically typing in “chipmunk suppression”. The tool suggested was as simple as sweater protection in summer…moth balls. The indication was that chipmunks hate moth balls. So it was off to the hardware store to lay in a supply of fresh super-potent moth balls…half-inch spheres that would drive me away from a pastrami sandwich.

I made sure that every hole in the lawn, in the bushes, near the foundation had a couple of these chipmunk suppressors. I spread a few near the holes as well. There were zero sightings of the dart and scurry crowd. We men of science are a lethal force.

Three days later, however, I noticed that some of the moth balls had moved. There were many more than I had left near the holes. The ones put down the holes had been brought to the surface like anthracite coal. And each day, all the ‘super-potent’ spheroids were pushed a little further away from the holes…onto the lawn, into the gutter.

Being from a higher life-form and undaunted, I have now smashed the moth balls into a powdery lethality, which I will spread in the same areas. I am equal to the challenge. “Chipmunks, you have met your match. And if all else fails, I will bring winter upon you.”